Do you ever have something on your mind that makes you feel completely alone if that makes sense?
Its something I don't want to talk to my mum about or share with any of my friends as I don't have any really close ones here any more. More like acquaintances. It's making me feel so alone and like my head might explode as well as my heart.
Someone's hurt and betrayed me in the past and I feel like its happening again. What do I do? Who do I talk to/
I really am alone with this one and have no one to turn to. I know if I say it out loud I can't take it back and it might hurt more than just me and set off a domino effect of destruction.
This might not make any sense and to be honest I'm not making sense to myself but I just had to write it down.
Saturday 28 August 2010
Thursday 26 August 2010
Rant Rant Rant
When I was tagged to have a bloody good moan by the lovely stillmumof5 over on her blog http://mumumumumum.blogspot.com/2010/08/things-that-bother-and-annoy-me.html I was really quite delighted.
Today two things in particular have riled me into ranting.
1. My husband got his exam results for his diploma today and passed with flying colours. This is wonderful as he is now eligible for promotion. As soon as the envelope was open and he expressed how happy he was and I told him how proud I was he said straight away he was going up to tell his dad. I'm sick of coming second best to his family all the time. He wasn't interested in spending the time with us and celebrating with us. He has always seek ed validation and approval with his father above and beyond anything from us. He will ignore his own children's wants and needs over his father in my eyes. I'm probably bias as I just don't like the argumentative heavy drinking man myself and my husband hero worships him. Heaven only knows why.
2. My long time abusive neighbour came today, after a warning from the local council regarding her anti social behaviour, and apologised to my husband about her bullying of my 12 year old for the last year. It was a half hearted useless apology that riled my husband even further as she then went on to say that its because Sophie and her pals have been scaring her and intimidating her. Her and her mother verbally attacked my 11 year old child last year in the street for no other reason than my husband being a police officer and they had waged a hate campaign against us as she's well known by the police and we totally ignored her so best attack was to intimidate a child. Then when she gets the normal reaction from any 12 year old of getting her pals to laugh at her in the street apparently she's the victim and Sophie's is the bully. So to keep Sophie right when she got in tonight I suggested her going round to the door and saying that if she and her friends have upset her in any way she's sorry. So the little sowel agreed that it would maybe make things a lot better if she did and off she went while I stood at our door and listened in case there was nay abuse of any sort. Sophie trotted up and said she was sorry for upsetting her and what does she get?? A lecture from an idiot with a brain of a knat about her attitude and a feeble 'well thanks fro coming to apologise but i should think so' and the door shut.
I am of course fuming beyond belief.
Then tonight my mum phoned and it all paled into insignificance. Someone very close to us's child was diagnosed with nueroblastoma last year and it was so far advanced it was almost beyond hope. After 18 months of long and terrible treatment for a very small child she's been told she's in remission.
Everything else has kind of paled into insignificance. So well and truely RANT OVER.
Thanks for listening.
Today two things in particular have riled me into ranting.
1. My husband got his exam results for his diploma today and passed with flying colours. This is wonderful as he is now eligible for promotion. As soon as the envelope was open and he expressed how happy he was and I told him how proud I was he said straight away he was going up to tell his dad. I'm sick of coming second best to his family all the time. He wasn't interested in spending the time with us and celebrating with us. He has always seek ed validation and approval with his father above and beyond anything from us. He will ignore his own children's wants and needs over his father in my eyes. I'm probably bias as I just don't like the argumentative heavy drinking man myself and my husband hero worships him. Heaven only knows why.
2. My long time abusive neighbour came today, after a warning from the local council regarding her anti social behaviour, and apologised to my husband about her bullying of my 12 year old for the last year. It was a half hearted useless apology that riled my husband even further as she then went on to say that its because Sophie and her pals have been scaring her and intimidating her. Her and her mother verbally attacked my 11 year old child last year in the street for no other reason than my husband being a police officer and they had waged a hate campaign against us as she's well known by the police and we totally ignored her so best attack was to intimidate a child. Then when she gets the normal reaction from any 12 year old of getting her pals to laugh at her in the street apparently she's the victim and Sophie's is the bully. So to keep Sophie right when she got in tonight I suggested her going round to the door and saying that if she and her friends have upset her in any way she's sorry. So the little sowel agreed that it would maybe make things a lot better if she did and off she went while I stood at our door and listened in case there was nay abuse of any sort. Sophie trotted up and said she was sorry for upsetting her and what does she get?? A lecture from an idiot with a brain of a knat about her attitude and a feeble 'well thanks fro coming to apologise but i should think so' and the door shut.
I am of course fuming beyond belief.
Then tonight my mum phoned and it all paled into insignificance. Someone very close to us's child was diagnosed with nueroblastoma last year and it was so far advanced it was almost beyond hope. After 18 months of long and terrible treatment for a very small child she's been told she's in remission.
Everything else has kind of paled into insignificance. So well and truely RANT OVER.
Thanks for listening.
Saturday 21 August 2010
My Babies Favourite Chicken Pasta
Caleb isn't the greatest eater in the world but he loves my Chicken pasta dish.
Here's the recipe that serves 4. Its quick and easy.
You will need.
4 chicken breasts
1 red pepper
broccoli
1 & 1/2 pint of milk
2 tablespoons plain flour
2 tablespoons butter
pinch of salt
pinch of pepper
1/2 teaspoon of English mustard
250g of grated mature cheddar cheese
pasta shapes of your choice.
Chop up your chicken breasts into bite size pieces and slice your pepper. Lay them on the bottom of an oven proof casserole dish. Blanche your broccoli for 3 mins and lay in the dish too.
Melt your butter in the microwave for 1 minute and add in your flour combine well and put back in microwave for 1 minute again. Then whisk in your milk and put back in the microwave for 9 minutes taking out every 3 minutes to whisk thoroughly until it is thick and bubbling then add in your grated cheese, mustard and salt and pepper. Pour over your chicken, peppers and broccoli mix and stir. Place in a preheated 180 oven covered for 35 mins then take out and uncover and return for 10 more mins.
Place enough pasta for 4 in boiling salted water and boil until tender.
For the kids I mix the pasta and the chicken mix together to serve with a nice salad on the side. Other times for a more adult meal I leave out the pasta and serve with home made roast potatoes.
Always a winner.
Here's the recipe that serves 4. Its quick and easy.
You will need.
4 chicken breasts
1 red pepper
broccoli
1 & 1/2 pint of milk
2 tablespoons plain flour
2 tablespoons butter
pinch of salt
pinch of pepper
1/2 teaspoon of English mustard
250g of grated mature cheddar cheese
pasta shapes of your choice.
Chop up your chicken breasts into bite size pieces and slice your pepper. Lay them on the bottom of an oven proof casserole dish. Blanche your broccoli for 3 mins and lay in the dish too.
Melt your butter in the microwave for 1 minute and add in your flour combine well and put back in microwave for 1 minute again. Then whisk in your milk and put back in the microwave for 9 minutes taking out every 3 minutes to whisk thoroughly until it is thick and bubbling then add in your grated cheese, mustard and salt and pepper. Pour over your chicken, peppers and broccoli mix and stir. Place in a preheated 180 oven covered for 35 mins then take out and uncover and return for 10 more mins.
Place enough pasta for 4 in boiling salted water and boil until tender.
For the kids I mix the pasta and the chicken mix together to serve with a nice salad on the side. Other times for a more adult meal I leave out the pasta and serve with home made roast potatoes.
Always a winner.
Wretched teeth
Caleb has 12 teeth and has done for sometime. He got them all at once when he was around a year with very little fuss. He now has his furthest back 4 molars coming in and all of a sudden they've stolen my lovely carefree little angel. He's in agony and its breaking my heart and Daddy's patience.
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He cries at the drop of a hat and spends 90% of the day with his fingers in his mouth chewing like mad. We've had unbelievable tantrums that are completely out of character for him and high temperatures. These teeth are sticking up under his gums like little pearls waiting to burst through but so far nothing. Its been over a month now that I can see them but they're determined to break my little babies temper.
What else can I do to help? How do I take away his pain and make it all ok for him. It's heartbreaking to watch. I've tried distracting him and keeping him busy which helps a bit but how can I make him happy again?
Thursday 12 August 2010
Our Day on Arran
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| Caleb loving the Boat |
Some of you might have seen on twitter that my little Sophie was on holiday last week with Gran and Papa on a lovely island off the coast here called Arran. She had a lovely holiday and we went to visit for the day on the Thursday. We got a great day for weather and had such a great day out.
It was Caleb's first trip on a ferry and he loved it. We forget sometimes how easy it is for us to get there and not particularly expensive too. We really must do it more often.
If you ever get the chance to holiday in Scotland it's the best place there is.
Here's a few of our photos of the day.
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| Caleb and Papa looking for beasties. |
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| Caleb and I at Corrie beach |
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| Daddy and the girls collecting shells |
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| Papa and Caleb on Corrie beach |
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| walking round the deck |
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| daddy and Caleb on the boat |
Positive Day!
Ok. So I've for sometime been well aware that I've put on A LOT of weight since Caleb was born. I think I've been trying to ignore it though. After I had my first baby I put a huge amount of pressure on myself about weight and appearance and this time I decided to enjoy my baby and not worry. Not worrying however has led to 2+ stone on in weight in 20 months. None of its baby weight either as I was lighter after Caleb was born that pre pregnancy. It's just sheer laziness and gluttony. Well, enough's enough. I'm nipping it in the bud now!!!
Ive been wracking my brains for weeks about how to do it. Dieting has never been something I've been good at having suffered for years from eating disorders I have one extreme or the other, nothing in between. I've considered faddy diet and all sorts but generally I know that its just a case of 'eat less move more' as my husband tells me.
For a while I went to the gym with a friend but she demotivated me and also the gym is so busy that we spent alot of time hanging around waiting to get on machines not doing much. I cant go running like I used to as I have a rotating knee cap, from years of road running, which really needs replacing but I refuse. Swimming I find is too easy to sneak into the jacuzzi and steam room, and Aerobics well, nope not for me.
Today I took Caleb for a stroll to the beach and found while we were walking there that since I changed his pram to front facing he's alot happier and would rather be in the pram and watching whats going on, so I turned the walk into a powery type walk and he loved it. Problem solved. I'm always saying I don't get baby free time to go and do something for myself so here's the compromise.
We got home after 2 hours and hopped in the car and checked the routes mileage. Its just over 5miles. So here's my plan.
Get up, when school goes back , 3 mornings a week and straight after Caleb's breakfast I'll stick on proper exercise gear and a jacket depending on weather and do the route as fast as we can. After 4 weeks I will up the route a bit and add a few more miles.
Cut portion sizes of what I eat down by a 3rd and no snacks other than fruit.
The good thing I think about this is we can come home get showered and have the rest of the day to do whatever we want, and if we really get into it we may up the amount of days to every weekday and see how we go.
Here's hoping I stick to it!
Roll on next Wednesday and the schools going back. For now we will still go when and if we get a chance.
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| pre baby no 2 |
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| now. Yuck |
Ive been wracking my brains for weeks about how to do it. Dieting has never been something I've been good at having suffered for years from eating disorders I have one extreme or the other, nothing in between. I've considered faddy diet and all sorts but generally I know that its just a case of 'eat less move more' as my husband tells me.
For a while I went to the gym with a friend but she demotivated me and also the gym is so busy that we spent alot of time hanging around waiting to get on machines not doing much. I cant go running like I used to as I have a rotating knee cap, from years of road running, which really needs replacing but I refuse. Swimming I find is too easy to sneak into the jacuzzi and steam room, and Aerobics well, nope not for me.
Today I took Caleb for a stroll to the beach and found while we were walking there that since I changed his pram to front facing he's alot happier and would rather be in the pram and watching whats going on, so I turned the walk into a powery type walk and he loved it. Problem solved. I'm always saying I don't get baby free time to go and do something for myself so here's the compromise.
We got home after 2 hours and hopped in the car and checked the routes mileage. Its just over 5miles. So here's my plan.
Get up, when school goes back , 3 mornings a week and straight after Caleb's breakfast I'll stick on proper exercise gear and a jacket depending on weather and do the route as fast as we can. After 4 weeks I will up the route a bit and add a few more miles.
Cut portion sizes of what I eat down by a 3rd and no snacks other than fruit.
The good thing I think about this is we can come home get showered and have the rest of the day to do whatever we want, and if we really get into it we may up the amount of days to every weekday and see how we go.
Here's hoping I stick to it!
Roll on next Wednesday and the schools going back. For now we will still go when and if we get a chance.
Thursday 5 August 2010
That BIG Descision
I may have mentioned before that I was dearly love more children or at least one more if I can. Well, this week was spent having lots of chats and heart to hearts with my Hubby about a lot of stuff, including that. 
I think I've made my choice and this time I want to be prepared. I'm going to try and shift a bit of weight so I feel a bit healthier before hand, do a bit of exercise and try and eat a bit better, drink a bit less and generally take better care of myself.
I am A negative blood type. This means that unless I have babies with the same blood type I carry antibodies of their blood which can harm future pregnancies. However, there is a course of Anti D injections you take during your pregnancy to counteract this if you intend to have more children. I had them with Sophie but she is of the same blood type as me anyway so the after birth injection wasn't needed. With Caleb though out my pregnancy I refused all the injections as we had agreed on only one child together and my Hubby was booked in for the snip after he was born. I also refused the precautionary injection after Caleb was born and they tested his blood. He is O positive so his anti bodies would almost certainly attack any future pregnancies. At the time after my horrid hospital experience I was adamant no more babies.
The night before Hubby's small op I had endless panic attacks and was a wreck. I eventually begged him not to go and after much soul searching we eventually agreed to postpone it and talk again in a year or two. So here we are.
I have today spoken to my Health Visitor who contacted a midwife to find out my status with the lack of Anti D injections with Caleb and I'm reassured that as long as the pregnancy is planned and as soon as I know I am I should alert them straight away and go for injections to prevent miscarriage then I stand as good a chance as anyone of having a successful pregnancy.
Therefore my plan as such is to get this year and Christmas etc out of the way and if I still feel the same way then its all systems go.
I'm excited and apprehensive all at once. I know we have not much room here but then again it may not happen straight away, but even if it does people manage don't they?
I think I've made my choice and this time I want to be prepared. I'm going to try and shift a bit of weight so I feel a bit healthier before hand, do a bit of exercise and try and eat a bit better, drink a bit less and generally take better care of myself.
I am A negative blood type. This means that unless I have babies with the same blood type I carry antibodies of their blood which can harm future pregnancies. However, there is a course of Anti D injections you take during your pregnancy to counteract this if you intend to have more children. I had them with Sophie but she is of the same blood type as me anyway so the after birth injection wasn't needed. With Caleb though out my pregnancy I refused all the injections as we had agreed on only one child together and my Hubby was booked in for the snip after he was born. I also refused the precautionary injection after Caleb was born and they tested his blood. He is O positive so his anti bodies would almost certainly attack any future pregnancies. At the time after my horrid hospital experience I was adamant no more babies.
The night before Hubby's small op I had endless panic attacks and was a wreck. I eventually begged him not to go and after much soul searching we eventually agreed to postpone it and talk again in a year or two. So here we are.
I have today spoken to my Health Visitor who contacted a midwife to find out my status with the lack of Anti D injections with Caleb and I'm reassured that as long as the pregnancy is planned and as soon as I know I am I should alert them straight away and go for injections to prevent miscarriage then I stand as good a chance as anyone of having a successful pregnancy.
Therefore my plan as such is to get this year and Christmas etc out of the way and if I still feel the same way then its all systems go.
I'm excited and apprehensive all at once. I know we have not much room here but then again it may not happen straight away, but even if it does people manage don't they?
Mums and Their Teenies
I am exhausted. Completely, totally and utterly drained and not with the normal everyday things but with my daughter and the trials of raising a teenie. Sophie my little angel of previous years has well and truely turned into a teenie teenager. She will be 13 next month and I really do think you need to be a mind reader, nurse, physciatrist, and agony aunt all rolled into one with the patience of a saint to do this job and to get through it with your sanity in tact.
I love my not so little girl, I really really do even after all the emotional bonding problems I had with her when she was born, shes my world. How do mums cope with this stage? How did my mum cope?
According to my Mum I was a madam but I liked helping my Mum and spending time with my parents as well as my friends. There was also an element of fear and complete respect for their views and I was brought up attending Sunday School and I suppose some of the church's values were deep rooted in my brain. Sophie seems to have none of this! Don't get me wrong, I was up to all the dodges staying out late, trying to act cool and I got drunk twice around 15 so badly I was violently sick but I learnt my lesson from that and didn't do it again after the second time. Who didn't though? But I knew when I was putting myself in danger and my parents voices were always in the back of my mind telling me what they expected of me when it came to the types of friends I had and boys. Honestly though none of this came up until I was at least 15/16 but Sophie's been this an worse for a year now as soon as she went to Secondary school.
She hasn't lifted a finger round the house never mind her own room. She never comes in when she's told to, always has to push it that extra 10 minutes and she's never with the people she tells you she's with.
I've tried being her friend as well as the authority figure. I've tried coming down hard on her with grounding and TV privilages etc. I've sat and had tearful conversations with her on both our parts explaining why I worry and why I want her to understand. None of it seems to be working.
She's had a fair bit on her plate this year. A lot of physical,mental and hormonal changes, and we've tried to take this into account. She has been being bullied and intimidated by one of our neighbours who we've had trouble with in the past and we've tried to deal with that and take it into account too. She also is feeling the missing link in her life of her biological dad who walked out of her life when she was a new baby and has refused contact since and I comfort her and answer all her questions as best I can and also take this into account in her behaviour.
But, I'm worried!! I know I've made her sound like a scary teenie but 90% of the time she's still my little girl and we really do see glimmers of the old Sophie, however I can feel a slippery slope starting and I'd like to know how to nip it in the bud, now before it gets worse.
I wish at that age we have the hindsight of experience and age and understood why our parents do and say what they do, and see that they do it because of how precious we are to them and not because they're being killjoys.
I love my not so little girl, I really really do even after all the emotional bonding problems I had with her when she was born, shes my world. How do mums cope with this stage? How did my mum cope?
According to my Mum I was a madam but I liked helping my Mum and spending time with my parents as well as my friends. There was also an element of fear and complete respect for their views and I was brought up attending Sunday School and I suppose some of the church's values were deep rooted in my brain. Sophie seems to have none of this! Don't get me wrong, I was up to all the dodges staying out late, trying to act cool and I got drunk twice around 15 so badly I was violently sick but I learnt my lesson from that and didn't do it again after the second time. Who didn't though? But I knew when I was putting myself in danger and my parents voices were always in the back of my mind telling me what they expected of me when it came to the types of friends I had and boys. Honestly though none of this came up until I was at least 15/16 but Sophie's been this an worse for a year now as soon as she went to Secondary school.
She hasn't lifted a finger round the house never mind her own room. She never comes in when she's told to, always has to push it that extra 10 minutes and she's never with the people she tells you she's with.
I've tried being her friend as well as the authority figure. I've tried coming down hard on her with grounding and TV privilages etc. I've sat and had tearful conversations with her on both our parts explaining why I worry and why I want her to understand. None of it seems to be working.
She's had a fair bit on her plate this year. A lot of physical,mental and hormonal changes, and we've tried to take this into account. She has been being bullied and intimidated by one of our neighbours who we've had trouble with in the past and we've tried to deal with that and take it into account too. She also is feeling the missing link in her life of her biological dad who walked out of her life when she was a new baby and has refused contact since and I comfort her and answer all her questions as best I can and also take this into account in her behaviour.
But, I'm worried!! I know I've made her sound like a scary teenie but 90% of the time she's still my little girl and we really do see glimmers of the old Sophie, however I can feel a slippery slope starting and I'd like to know how to nip it in the bud, now before it gets worse.
I wish at that age we have the hindsight of experience and age and understood why our parents do and say what they do, and see that they do it because of how precious we are to them and not because they're being killjoys.
Hamleys Toy Review
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| Squiddy Bath toy -£9 3yrs+ |
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| Building Blocks- £22 18mth+ |
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| Shape Sorter Cube -£14.50 18mth+ |
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| Animal Ark -£24 18mth+ |
This is a sponsored post.
We were sent Wooden Building Blocks, Squiddy Bath Toy, The Shape Sorter Cube and The Animal Ark.
This caused much excitement when we unpacked the boxes. Caleb's face immediately lit up with all the fabulous bright coloured packaging. The immediate hit was the Animal Ark. He loved this toy and couldn't wait to get it out the box. When his sister and he did they started playing with it straight away. It has various different tunes, animal noises and boat noises. The animals all fit into certain places depending on the shape attached to them and the size and shape of their feet.
Noah at the front of the ark makes a ships horn noise when you press him into seat and the wheel makes the noise of water going through the ark. There's basic, coloured piano keys on the roof and when you push it along on its wheels it makes noise too. This was definitely Caleb's favourite toy and possibly the one he likes best out of all his toys. I think at £24 its fairly reasonably priced for the amount of things it does too. The only downside of the toy is that the noises volume is extremely loud. So loud in fact when we took it to grannies to play one day we couldn't talk over it or hear each other at all. We have looked everywhere on the toy and there doesn't seem to be any volume adjuster or an on/off switch so it is now relegated to his bedroom whenever theres anyone in as it really is quite unbearably loud. I think its a terrible shame as it really is a great toy.
The wooden toys, the Shape Sorter and the Building Blocks I think the rest of us loved as we found that we could interact and play with him with them to. His sister who's nearly 13 has been helping build lots of towers and houses. The blocks we were sent were pink ones but after looking online I see they do plain ones too probably more suited for a boy if you were thinking of buying these as a gift. They are priced at £22 and for 100 blocks I think that's very reasonable. I think its something he may enjoy more as he gets more creative but at the moment he does love to sit and watch and hand the blocks to us. The Shape Sorter he loved the bright colours and the fact the top lifts off to empty them out and put them back in. Its a very attractive toy but I thought £14.50 was slightly more expensive than I would pay for this one.
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| Daddy and Caleb building a Castle |
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| A finished Effort |
Finally Squiddy the bath toy. This little guys great. We got sent a green one and he's just such fun. He required batteries, 2xAA, but once you get that little guy in the water its worth it. Hes wild!! Caleb shrieks with joy as the squid swims at great speed and loops ,turns and dives around the bath. Although he's for kids 3+ and Caleb's only 20mths he still loved him. Maybe Caleb's age showed a bit more when sometimes he'd grab him and sit on him or throw him across the bath but the squid seems fairly resilient and still carried on with no ill effects. I have a nephew who's nearly 5 and I think he'd love this. His birthdays coming up soon and I'm thinking I may have to order one for him . £9 may be considered a bit steep for this but I think its worth it as Squiddy is fab fun and I think all kids of all ages will love this little green guy and his swimming talents.
All in all we've had a fun few days and intend to have a lot more with Hamleys toys.
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