Food

This weeks theme in 'the gallery' over at Tara Cain's Blog is food. This is something I know a lot about and I'm going to put it out there for public consumption.

Deep Breath, and here goes.......
I have suffered all my adult life from eating disorders. Generally it hits every few years or at times of stress. Since the age of 18 I haven't had a day go by other than during my pregnancies that I haven't counted every last calorie in everything that passes my lips. At times of eating normally or overeating this can seriously affect my mood and how I cope with other things in my life. At some points I have dropped 4 stone in a few months and others piled on 2-3 stone and punished myself every day with every morsel.

This was me after the priory. Its the only Photo I have of that time. 

I've never gotten dangerously thin as I have a mother who has eyes and instincts like a hawk and keeps an eye on everything I do. Once at the when I was 26 she broke down at how much weight I was losing but I still couldn't put food in my mouth.It's not that you don't want to, it's that your brain overtakes the need and wont physically let you.  On that occasion my parents paid for me to go to the priory for help and that was as low as I would ever let myself get. Now I know when to ask for a bit of support and help. Now is one of those times. I can feel it slipping and have lost a substantial amount of weight which is needed but its the switch that flicks and causes it to be a problem for me. I've been unhealthily overweight since Caleb was born and it has gotten to me so much now that it's mentally affected me and I am now back under the supervision of a dietitian and doctor.

I am determined to get this under control and lose it sensibly and as I now have a 13 year old daughter it's paramount that I can do it, as I wont have her exposed to eating disorders.

There I've said it out loud.

A Smile.

As my post for this weeks 'Gallery' post over at the lovely Tara Cains bog 'sticky fingers', I'm posting the photos of my kids smiling that make me smile too. I may be slightly bias but both my kiddies can light up a room with their smile and I defy you not to smile when you see them.

His lips are so stuck together with chocolate that its more of a smirk.

We've seen this before but it always makes me smile.

Photos That Sum up My Family

Caleb 4 weeks old

Calebs 1st birthday

June 2010

Sophie being a monkey

My old girl misti 17 years old

My Big sister 5months pregnant June 2010

Christmas 2009

cheeky

Caleb 10 months

Caleb and Papa Christmas day 2009

My 2 boys

Daddy and Caleb October 2010

Calebs 1st Birthday. He liked the boxes best. 

Calebs 1st birthday playing with all his toys. 

This is how I think of my little boy at all times. Laughing. 

Sophie and Caleb July 2009

Gran and papa and sophie at their 40th wedding anniversary

My mummy, My Girl and I.

Mummy and Caleb 4 weeks

Caleb June 2009

These are some of my absolute favourite photos of my family and I over the last year. I just wanted to share them with you. My guys rock my world.

Ten things I love and Hate about Motherhood.

Today I was thinking about all the pro's and con's about having babies and subsequently children and teenagers. I've made no secret of how hard it is with a (nearly)13 year old daughter and all my fears for her. I'm trying to work out the best time to go for my 3rd baby so thought I'd write out my lists of favourite things and aslo my pet hates.

Ten Things I Love.

1/ Cuddles from my kiddies
2/ Being pregnant
3/ Watching my kiddies live, learn, develop and reach new milestones
4/ Having fun together
5/ Watching my husband with the kids and admiring what a good dad he is really
6/ fussing
7/ Sitting with my sleeping boy and watching him (he's so gorgeous asleep)
8/ Watching them interact with other people
9/ The feeling of wanting to spend every waking moment with them
10/ Watching them play together. It wont last long as Sophie will soon be too grown up for playing but the       look on Caleb's face when they are is a priceless memory.

Ten things I Hate

1/ Constant pressure I put on myself to be a perfect mother
2/ The realisation I never will be
3/ Constant obsession with keeping them safe and healthy
4/ Sleep deprivation
5/ selfishly wanting some me time with no children or husband around
6/ The guilt of feeling like that sometimes
7/ The money worries
8/ knowing we are squeezing a growing family into a small house and wishing I could give them better
9/ Worrying every time your teenager leaves the house, that they will come to harm
10/ Stress

I need to learn to relax, but I know Im not that type of person and never will be.

My Favourite Pram of all Time.

I've mentioned before my disappointment in some of the prams we've had for Caleb since he was born. Especially his maxi cosi mura 3. It was a bad buy, but since so many people around on twitter etc are expecting just now I thought I'd tell you a bit about my favourite pram.

When it comes to the best pram I've ever had for either child my Concorde Fusion is the absolute best. It's spacious and comfortable for him. The interior is padded and had brushed fake suede patches which make it look very luxurious. The wheels are gel filled so no punctures. The cross bar pops out easily to slot in a car seat or carry cot for younger babies. The rain cover folds up and slips into a zip pocket on the hood. The hood has a see through part so you can keep an eye on your sleeping baby. Its easy to maneuver and very light to push. The handle is adjustable for up to 4 positions and the back wheels can be adjusted for all terrain or pavements. The front wheels are lockable so you can have then spinning or straight. It has a fair sized shopping basket underneath. It feels very sturdy and safe for your baby and Caleb sleeps very happily in it.

We also got with it the ion car seat from birth to 13kg. Caleb was in it until he was 20 months as he is very light and its super handy. It clicks in over the pushchair seat so there's no taking seats off to replace with other ones and lifts out one handed with a handle button.

It has a detachable sunshade for the car or pram use and is super cosy.

This is the pram I will be using and adding to if I have any more babies. It was expensive but worth every penny and luckily I got it in an end of season sale for £300 for both the pushchair and the car seat. It pays to shop around.

Tuesday Giggles.

We have had a laugh today at the wee chaps new found love of words. He loves that we all cheer when he gets it right and repeats or comes away with his latest word or saying.

This morning when I came downstairs Daddy and Caleb had been up for a while and had all Caleb's cars out on the floor playing. One of Caleb's newest cars is his Daddy's Fire Engine circa 1982. Hubby's parents bought it for him the day they brought home his new baby sister to distract him a bit and now Caleb has it. When I came in and sat down with them, Caleb rolled it to me and said 'fire engine' as clear as day. I nearly keeled over giggling at him and how funny and clever he is. He's so proud when he tells you what he's thinking and saying now. 

After breakfast we headed to the supermarket and he immediately shouts 'fast car' and we turn to see Lightening McQueen from disney cars on the shelf in matchbox form again we started giggling and clapping for him. He's just so funny and cute that we had to buy it for him.

Later at dinner tonight he was in his highchair and busily eating his dinner and suddenly told me 'futt off'.  I nearly died laughing. I wondered what the heck he was trying to say but I know what it sounded like. EEK. It cant be. After about 5 minutes of giggling uncontrollably together he finally raised his 'foot' and showed me his socks hanging off. How funny. He was telling me his sock was coming off and because foot's a new word to him he obviously thinks his socks are foots too. 

We have had a laugh today and I'm so super proud of my clever little boy. He's been hiding all this chat for months now. Sneaky. Ha ha.

We're Talking

For those of you whom I speak to on twitter and who know me personally you'll know that Caleb's walking and talking is quite far behind for his age. The professionals put it down to lazyitis as he's quite advanced in other ways. His general playing and other motor skills are pretty far advanced.

Well at last we are attempting to talk. He's not talking in single words now its sentences straight off. This week his favourites are

The bus is away.
Papa away with sophie
Bye bye you guys
Bye sophie and papa
Dadda at work.
All done, finished
Lady on the bus.
Want to go there.

This is a triumph as he's soooo stubborn and we thought he might start talking in time for school the way he was going. Obviously its baby talking and as cute as can be but I'm chuffed to bits with him.

His walking's coming on too. I've started making him walk holding one hand and taking him by the hand instead of in the pram for short journeys and he seems a lot happier to totter around in the house now unaided.

'By George I think the boy's got it!!!!' (at last and not before time)

too cute to worry.

OMG OMG

OMG!!!

Today I went to pick up prescriptions at the chemist and renewed my prepayment voucher which pays for all my prescriptions up front for 3 months. It runs out on the 13th December and what did the assistant say to me?? That's right, ' then it'll be christmas'. ARGHHHHHHHH. I nearly fainted. Christmas??? I'm not mentally prepared for that thought. It's come around much too fast again.

Every year I decide I will start getting organised for the next year as soon as new year is over with. Do I? Eh, No! I keep putting it off until next month and then some delightful creature reminds me that its nearly around the corner.

This year I cant contemplate it. I still have Sophies birthday to come at the end of September. Mine end of October,then my nephews 5th ,Caleb's end of November and my sisters baby's due to be delivered by C-section on the 2nd of November too. All that expense and Christmas straight after. Seriously bad planning by me and my extended family.

So do I start now or let it slide until the blind panic in December? Maybe I'll mull this question over for a while and deal with it next month. *SIGH*

my little monkeys last christmas

The Braces and My Nerves

Sophies going for braces. Proper train track braces. We've had a couple of appointments at the orthodonist and its all approved.

She's wanted this for a while as she's very concious of her squint teeth but she's only just lost the last of her baby teeth so now's the time to go ahead. Firstly she has to have 4 molars out the first two of which come out tonight. I'm dreading it more than she is. I can't bear the thought of anything ever hurting my kiddies. Its silly really but I really do end up a nervous wreck over it. She's aware of this too and so she phoned her gran last night and asked if she'll take her instead as she didn't want to upset me. I said I'm happy to go but she said 'no mummy you'll cry' so I'm relegated to staying at home and waiting for their return.

She then has two further teeth to come out next week which hubby has taken the day off to deal with for me. He can either sit with Caleb and I'll go or vice versa. I have a feeling she'll want me to stay away. Then at the end of this month she will get her train tracks on. In fact she gets them on her birthday. She's super excited and seems to be so determined for nice teeth that although she's aware of all the discomfort she will face she's determined. I'm super proud of her.

She's such a beautiful girl and I think this will make all the difference to her confidence. Apparently the braces stay on for 2 years then she will have a retainer until she's 20 to wear in the house and in bed.

As for tonight, I'm feeling sick already and my nerves are shattered. Good luck my baby girl.

Wordless Wednesday

A finger of twix. How do you eat yours?

Time and Money Management

I have two things in life I'm not particularly talented at. Managing time and money. I'm just now that great at it and this month I've made it my mission to get my finger out with both.

I have control of our finances and used to be so organised with it, nowadays I feel like my heads all over the place and don't take time to sit down and work out a budget and pay bills. Again this is down to the time issue too. Maybe I need to make lists. I hear of mummies doing that also I need to plan a day to go through our finances and get them completely back in order.

Since I've had Caleb this time round I never get any me time and I tend to neglect the important things, but I need to become a organised mummy and housewife asap.

Help!!

Old Friendships Rekindled

Did you ever have a best friend at school? The kind of friend you spend all day at school with and then rush home to phone. The kind of friend you know what they're going to say before they say it. The kind of friend you share every thought with and go on holiday with each others families because two weeks apart is just too much time. The kind of friend who cries on your shoulder over her breakup with her first boyfriend and you on hers.

I had one. I had a friend who was my best friend ever. We spent hours on the phone together every night and went every where with each other. I met her when I moved to Troon at age 12 and we were best friends all the way through secondary school. We told each other everything and knew each other as well as we knew ourselves. Soon into our friendship we found we had the same tastes in everything. We used to turn up at school wearing the same sweaters and shoes on the same days. We went clubbing for the first time together and our boyfriends always had to be friends so we could all go out together.

When we were 18 she met her serious boyfriend and they bought a house and moved in together. That was when things changed quite a bit. I didn't really like him or trust him but we still spent time together when he wasn't around and I still considered her my best friend.

When we were 19 I moved away and we lost touch a bit more although still managed birthday and Christmas contact and I saw her when I was home visiting but by the time I was 21 and pregnant with Sophie we had drifted so far apart I didn't feel like I could confide in her about what was going on as by then she'd moved to another house in another town and stopped getting in touch. So I sat down one day and wrote her a card telling her how I felt and how I missed her. She got in touch and we went out for a meal together and I really felt like we were getting back on track. When Sophie was born she came to see me and was the first person I phoned to say she was here. She came to my flat to visit a few times and see the baby with gifts and for a chat. At this time I felt so like she wasn't the person I knew before. We didn't see each other after Sophie turned 4 months although she phoned briefly once or twice. Eventually during a call I told her how I was feeling, that she'd changed and didn't value our friendship as much as I did. I thought talking about it might help. It was the end of our friendship. I never heard from her again.

That is I never heard from her again for 14 years until recently. I got a Christmas card hand delivered last year from her saying she'd seen me and was living along the road from us now. She's with a different man now after 11 years of a miserable relationship and has a lovely little daughter who's 4. She put her phone number on the card and asked me to phone her if I wanted to see them and how she'd love to meet Sophie again and see Caleb. Although we live a street away from each other we 'd never bumped into each other in 3 years, I genuinely didn't know they lived there. So it took me a while to pluck up courage to text her. I thought by text if she'd changed her mind and didn't want to see me at least she had an out but she was so happy to hear from me and invited us for lunch. As it turned out although I accepted the kids were both ill the week we arranged it for and had to cancel but said we'd rearrange. We never did. Then this week she contacted me through Facebook and I asked her round for a drink on Friday night without the pressures of the kids and partners. I said we'd get out all the old photos and have a girlie night.

So we did. Friday past she came round for 5 hours and we caught up on everything and went over why we fell out. A lot of the problems were the different paths our lives had taken and how hard at our young age it was to understand and live and let live, but its funny how our lives have come full circle and here we are again. Her partners a policeman too and now she's a mum we have that in common too,

It was so lovely to relive all our old memories. I don't expect to go back to the way things were as we both have other friends in our lives now and busy family commitments but its so nice to not have the loss of me best friend on my mind. Now and again over the years I've wanted to tell her stuff or cry on her shoulder like when my other closest friend died in a car accident 11 years ago. We still have a lot to catch up on and to meet each others families properly but I really hope we get there. She was very special to me and always will be whether we're best friends or just people who catch up now and again.

Wordless Wednesday

Not much else to say.