Saturday, 30 July 2011

Shifts. How do I cope!

My husband works shifts and I hate it. When we met he worked shifts and I hated it then. I told him and was honest that I as someone who had lived alone for 12 years and raised a child alone did not want that disruption in my life. I told him I wouldn't live with someone who did shift work, marry someone or have children with someone who did and he was well aware of that. I need routine. It's the only way I can function properly. The only way I can get up every day and work normally like other mums and housewives do. When I told him he took it in and said we'd cross that bridge if it got that far...... and it did get that far so he started applying for other jobs within his work.

When we moved in together it was because he had stopped shift work and gotten a great job which although was still classed as shift work it really wasn't. He worked mostly days and once and a very blue moon he had a 'backshift' but within that job it started at lunchtime and finished at 10pm which to me can't really be classed as shifts and suited us fine. We knew that it was only a 2 year posting and he started applying for other stuff around 18months in. He got another job just as we were getting married that was mon-frid 8-4 and suited great and seemed very happy in that job. It was open ended so we were very settled and had Caleb in that very happy settled way of working. It worked well for us and I felt well with no blips whatsoever.

Just as Caleb turned 6months old some new postings were being advertised at work and as with my husband that started giving him itchy feet. He can't just settle and be happy with his lot EVER.  He found one training job he especially liked the idea of and spoke to me about whether to apply or not. First question, ' is it shifts?'  His answer, ' No, not as such. Much like the old job. Continuous dayshift with one 'backshift' thrown in every 3 months or so. Four days on Two days off' . So ok. Happy days. More money involved, no shifts and pretty much settled as we were.

The question is, did he tell me the truth. Answer 'NO'. The job never has entailed just dayshift and even after he finished his training after a year and a half he took the full time posting without talking it over and now we're stuck. I started struggling straight away with the shifts and I have never made any bones about it. The first few times a backshift was involved he assured me it was only because they were short staffed and wouldn't happen so much. Two years on hes never not worked a backshift and not only that there's nightshifts too.  To most this is probably and inconvinience. To someone who has always survived an illness by strict routine, who said she COULDN'T live with shifts its destroying my life. I hate them. I can't settle at all. It's knocking me sick everytime they come around and worse still now as we live in the worlds tiniest house, not the large house we shared at first. I can't have friends round for the kids. I can't socialise at all in my home.I have to keep the phones off and try and stop a 2 year old from wanting to speak or go in and wake daddy, which causes tantrums and screaming.  I'm cut off when he's asleep and he hears every move we make so I have to find places to go with the kids which means I can't keep on top of what I need to do. Things snowball and by the time he is days off I'm a wreck. I don't know how much longer I can do it and I'm fed up being made to feel like a terrible person for feeling like it. For the days before he starts a backshift or nightshift I feel sick and depressed and can't snap myself out of it. Then I feel horrible for feeling like that which makes me worse. Some days I find it hard to just function. How does he respond??? Pissed off non stop at the mere suggestion I'm not just getting on with it.

I would get on with it if it wasn't for the fact I can't. I've made it plain I can't function in this sort of environment. I can't live happily with someone all the time in the house sleeping. I can't not let my children make any noise ever. I can't live with shifts. I've never claimed to be able to and I can't understand why its me feeling bad. He just feels angry. Me???? I just feel like leaving. If I had my own home with my children I wouldn't have to worry about this. I'm that close to making that thought a reality. I sometimes wonder if he'd care or just be happy that he can come and go at ease. Maybe I'm just the burden.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Where does my time go????

It seems ages since I've been able to sit down and blog about something I just want to get off my chest. It 'has' been ages. I've had an awful lot going on here with myself, my crazy brain and my kids, hubby etc. It seems like mentally I'm somewhere else right now. There's too much to even put down on here without being all week typing and to be frank most of it is my own personal demons and I need to sort out myself so I can concentrate on other things.

I promise I will get there soon and will start to write a bit more upbeat posts now and again.

As for now, the anniversary of my friends death is fast approaching and as with every year for some reason unknown to my brain it plays in there for weeks before hand and after. I never know quite how to deal with the day, ignore it and hope it goes away quickly or mark it somehow?  Some years I've gone and put flowers at the crash site and tried to feel close to him but that never seems to work. He was cremated so no grave to visit. Its a quandry that will haunt me until the 11th of August and beyond.

As for the kids, they are getting so big so fast and I feel a bit like its slipping past too fast at the moment without me noticing the next stages. Time slowing down for a little while would be nice.

One day I 'will' feel like the old me again and think of something fun and positive to write about. Meantime bear with me.

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Silent Sunday

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

The Perfect Holiday

I've been absent on Blogger due to being away on holiday in heaven itself.

We went to Newquay in Cornwall and quite frankly it is now my most favourite place in the world EVER!

It's clean, hot, bright, beautiful, friendly (with out being intrusive), sandy, surfy, and generally full of amazingly HOT surfer dudes and amazing places to eat, drink and generally be entertained. My own personal Utopia. I want to live there forever.  We stayed 100 yards from Fistral Beach which was adorned daily with hundreds of surfers and sunbathers and we loved it. We also found a fabulous bar that overlooks the harbour with a softplay and completely child friendly called  'The Fort Inn'. We had lovely lunches there on the balcony and Caleb made lots of little friends in softplay.

Things I learnt and will stay with me is hairbrushing/straightening and general faffing is worthless. Hairbrushes are now the enemy and ankle bracelets and general adoring of cheap jewellery makes you bright cheerful and feel Cute.

Here's some piccies of our stay. Looking at them has made me melancholy.

The House we rented

At the Fort Inn

The rocks at Fistral

Fistral Beach and Lifeguard tower

Erm....... moving on

We found the most immense cake shop which made marshmallows on sticks. 


Newquay Harbour


Beach fun

Surfs up dudes

After a hard day at the beach

This ended badly in sunburn.
At Moo Mooz for pancakes 

Caleb made a friend

The back garden at the house

Beach jewellery is the way forward

Cornish pasties at the harbour for lunch

Our for breakfast

Having a day playing in the garden
All in all the best place ever to go on holiday or live. I want to go back right now please.