Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Saturday, 18 June 2011

One to Make me smile

So after so much said about the person I miss how about a post about the person I'm married to.

In my last post  I let you hear a song that reminds me of S. Well how about one that makes me smile as the words describe my husband and how we felt when we met. We had this as our first dance not as we're fans. We just didn't want the usual slow song to start the night off and we loved it.




Still love him ya know. Even if I don't say it enough.

A song to remember by




My last post was so maudlin so if you are of a sobby disability like I am look away now.

Five years after my friend was killed I was clearing out some of my own clothes and found a few of his  in amongst it. I remember sitting looking through the pockets of his denim jacket and found some things he had in them. It was the hardest thing I had to do.  I had MTV on at the time and this song was playing. It wasn't the jacket that got me or his things in the pockets, it was the song. I sat on the floor of my bedroom crying for a loooooong time.

Anyway, this week I've been struggling a lot with missing him and lay listening to old songs last night before I went to sleep. This came on and made me teary eyed but smile too.

Thought I'd share it as its such a fabulous song. Enjoy.

Monday, 13 June 2011

The Hardest Post I'll ever Write.

I don't know where to start. It's the longest saddest story I will ever put out there for me and I don't know how to put it all down in writing. Part of me feels disrespectful for saying too much about somethings all these years on but part of me needs it to be said. 

Tonight I watched a film. A film where a woman's husband is killed in front of her by a truck when it hits his car. That woman got to tell him she loved him. I didn't, not properly. Not the way I meant to or wanted to. 

I lost someone in the same way, not standing watching mind but the same accident. Decapitated by a truck. That's all I know. It's all I could bear to know at the time and I never asked for any more information. I never have since in the 12 years since it happened and I never will. I don't want to know any more details. He's gone and it doesn't get to hurt more than that. 

He was my best friend. The first person I met when we moved here. He was 4 years older than me but we just clicked and he was accepted instantly by my family and me by his. It wasn't strange for anyone we were so far apart in age. He was soon to leave school and I was near the start of secondary school, but we had a weird connection. Friends, the kind who laugh at everything. He had a wicked and bizarre sense of humour and it tickled me. It was everything I wanted to say and be but was too polite. My Mum was besotted by him and he got away with murder in our house. My Dad despaired of him and my sister, well, she wanted to murder him as he was always around taking the mick and generally winding her up. Kind of the annoying brother she'd never had. To me he was mine and adorable. 

We spent long days together over summers, walking his dog, shopping, sunbathing, driving around in his old Toyota corolla banger of a car and generally being teenagers. He hung out in my house and me at his. The mums supplied copious amounts of food and hospitality at each house and we generally lapped it all up. 

We used to have deep and meaningfuls about ridiculous things. What we would do when we had dated all the famous people we had to and got married to each other and what our kids would be called. It was just a given that when we were grown ups that's what we would do.  I remember the day he passed his driving test. He came to pick me up to go for a run and I was in tears as he ran another girl he'd seen en route home before he came for me and as his best friend I should've gotten the first drive in his car. As usual he gave me a push and said 'don't worry wee man you're the first girl that I love that gets to go in my car'. That would work  every time and he knew it'd get me in the car and smiling. We then went out a drive to some woods and climbed trees and generally were daft teenagers, smoking marlbro reds and talking about who we fancied. Before we went home he broke his ring pull off his can of coke and slipped it on my finger and said I'd to keep it until I was 26 then we'd get married. 26 was a good age in his opinion as I might have calmed down enough by then to get married. He picked me a bunch of forget me nots and off we went home for the night. 

We had lots of memories like that. Fun times, innocent times. Sleepovers at each others houses as we got older and mums who kept their eye on us although all along apparently not really concerned as we were so innocently best friends. He'd tell me regularly he loved me and I would always punch his arm or leg and say 'don't be daft, you can't love your best friend, not like that'. Although deep down I adored him. He liked girls, lots of girls and not just one or two on the go at any given time. I lost track of who was who sometimes and it drove me nuts trying not to drop him in it. There was never a shortage and they always were inevitably heart broken by him. He broke hearts, that's what he did best. Not mine though. You can't break the heart of someone who refuses to give you theirs. 

When I passed my driving test he bought me a Ferrari in a box and said when we were married he'd buy me a real one. When it was Christmas he'd buy me novelty furry stockings filled with chocolate kisses. When the world cup was on he bought me a football shirt with my then favourite players name on. He queued for 4 hours to buy me Jason Donovan concert tickets for my 14th birthday. He bought me take that videos and posters. He did all the stuff boys do for their girls and it made me very happy. 

As we got older and we both got our own flats and still stayed over with each other and had the all night deep and meaningfuls about life and the future, he sometimes would scare me with things he'd say ( I won't go into details as its private and was for me only) but there was one night it ended in a row and he left with tensions running high. The next day we bumped into each other in the street and the row continued and he said some stuff that really hurt me in the heat of the moment. Afterwards I wouldn't take his calls and he even went so far as to go and speak to my mum to ask her to ask me to forgive him and take his calls. I didn't, not for a long time and he openly flaunted anything and everyone in front of me to cover up how angry he was with me ignoring him. It took a year and he phoned out of the blue and we spoke at last. Not about what we rowed over but he said sorry for things that he'd said and done since and if I never spoke to him again at least he'd had the chance to say sorry. It wasn't the same again for a long time but we started hanging out again sometimes. It was never as easy as it had been. I was sad a lot of the time and hurt still. 

When I moved away we stayed in touch and when I was home I'd go to his to stay now and again and he'd cook me dinner and watch a movie. I cherished those times as it wasn't often we got time to be us again. 

When I came home to have my daughter he was more distant than ever but once she was here and he cuddled her a few times we got closer again. He'd often accost her in the pram and go for a walk telling folk how gorgeous she was and he even had her playing fruit machines age 19 days. He was mad and I used to watch him with her and smile to myself at how lucky I was to have him back to myself, even if it was only now and again. Both our lives had moved on but I felt a bond I knew only we had. Girls came and went in his life but we would always be friends. 

I'd been home around a year when we had a night at my flat where I made dinner and we put the little one down to bed and sat up chatting. That was the night I wondered if I'd made the right choice to always keep him at arms length. We chatted like old times and laughed a lot. We'd both grown up a lot and maybe I was wrong not to just take a chance. That Saturday we went to a party and had a good night, at the end of the night I decided to tell him what I'd been thinking and see what he said. Outside later on we had a chat and I said I thought maybe we should speak during the week and what night was he off and we'd have dinner or something. He said Wednesday and I said that suited me, I'd come to him with dinner. He hugged me kissed my cheek and said he'd see me then. 

On the Tuesday night I had a bad feeling. I was at my mums for dinner and kept saying it felt like someone had walked over my grave. I went home not feeling well and she kept my daughter over night for me. I had horrible dreams that night about shadows in my flat of a man watching me. 

At 9am on the Wednesday I got a phone call from a close friend to tell me that my friend had been killed at 4pm the day before in a Road Accident.  A head on collision with a truck. After that I don't remember much. I phoned my mum and she and dad came down and sat with me all day while I sobbed my heart out. All I could think was why didn't I say I'd see him on Monday or call him or anything to speak to him. I thought I had forever to get round to whatever. I didn't know what!

For days I just barely functioned. I couldn't sleep, people visited and came to sympathise. People I hadn't seen for a long time came to see how I was and it was then I realised that these people knew us as kids and knew how much he meant to me. Maybe more than I did. I had loved the bones of him. Completely. I think I hurt him more than once. I know I did. We had cried together when we made up over arguments, he'd stroked my hair while I cried over my papa dying. He hugged me when I was scared of things. He was my special someone. He always will be.

Its been 12 years and I don't think a day goes by when I don't think about him. Not to disrespect anything I have now, not even slightly. Things happen that make me smile daily and I think he'd have gotten why. Sometimes no one else does but he would. He always did. There's not a month goes by without at least one sleepless night from a dream with him in it. I sometimes wonder if the physical pain of missing someone like that ever goes. It hasn't for me. Sometimes I smell him and I forget for a second and it hits hard when I remember hes gone forever. Not just a fight or an argument and we'll make up, forever gone. 

I miss him and always will and I'm sorry, sorriest of sorrys ever I never said what I had to say. I'll never make that mistake again. Its a hard lesson to learn but I am sorry. 

A close friend took me to see a spiritualist she had used before years later and she told me that I have a young man with me holding a bunch of forget me nots. He stays with me with love. No one else could possibly know that. Maybe I want to believe that I don't know but if it's true its nice to know. I'm not spiritual much but things have happened when I know hes here somewhere. If he's watching me type this well, I've said it now and only sorry I didn't say it when it mattered. Sorry. 

Thinking Slimmer and me week1




Last Wednesday I started my Thinking Slimmer journey after receiving my Slimpod courtesy of the lovely Sandra at thinkingslimmer.com . The slimpod is a revolutionary new weight loss technique which uses the power of your subconscious mind to change your eating habits forever and retrain your brain to only eat what your body needs to use as fuel for your day. Lots of others on twitter are using the slimpods too and seem to be having great success with it. You listen for ten minutes a day for 21 days and hopefully if all goes to plan your eating habits should be changed enough to see a weight loss.

Drop a Jeans size was the one I chose and I am excited. Straight away I felt a difference in the amount I can eat in a day and my energy and positivity levels increased significantly. I know it takes more like the 21 days to see a full change but I do feel like its working to a degree already. Whether that is true as early as this I'm not sure but only time will tell. I am very positive that this is a good step in the right direction for me.

I have recently lost 3 stone with the help of a slimming club but am stuck with another stone and a half to shift so this couldn't have come at a better time for me. I am determined to do everything that thinking slimmer recommends for this to work and look forward to seeing the results.

I intend to blog my journey to a comfortable smaller jeans size. Let this be the first of many positive posts.

Mummys Little Man

So despite the eye debacle what else is going on the world of the crazy terrible twos??

Well, just over a week ago I sat down after several meltdowns on my part and read 'Supernanny' from beginning to end and decided what we need is a routine!! A strict, stick to routine.

A we got out the pens and paper and Caleb helped me make one for him, plus cutting out all E numbers and foods/drinks with heavy colouring and seriously limiting tv time. For the first few days we had a mixed response although there was a noticeable improvement in his overall behaviour and attitude. We had one day where I made a mess of the routine by arranging to go out at a time when we normally don't which resulted in both of us having a serious meltdown. That taught me a lesson. Its there for a reason and tell people we will be available in our 'free time' slots in the routine. We have since then made several days out and stuck to it whilst out and about and it does work. It's just a case of adjusting to it myself.  We are now 9 days into it and there is a marked improvement all round in his eating, co operation and attitude.

playing with mummys glasses


He is a much happier boy and I am a much happier mummy.

A Much Needed night Out

We managed to get out this weekend for a much needed break as a family and as a couple. It was breaking point and my parents very kindly stepped in and offered help and support.

On Saturday Night we went out for a curry just the two of us and then out for some cocktails and dancing. It was great and couldn't have been more what we both needed.

We were too busy having a nice time to take any photos really but who can resist the one of my lovely dinner. I'm addicted to the Taj's Channa puree and managed at least 2/3 of it.

Then we did happen to treat ourselves to some Indian Lager. Yum


This was followed by 5 or 6 too many Raspberry and Pomegranate Mules and a lot of jigging about. Worth every second of the sore head on Sunday though. Especially as we had a family fun day to attend but it was good fun and we managed it. That's another post in the making.

ITS JUNEEEEEEE!!!

Seriously people. Is this summer????? Its supposed to be heating up and a tiny bit of sunshine on a day to day basis wouldn't go amiss.

I think we had every season possible last week and a funnel cloud photographed 2 miles from here and mentioned on the national ITV weather.
Someone Photographed this 2 miles from my house and sent it to ITV weather. 


JUNE!!! Its JUNE!!! Rain, Hail, Gales, Rain, Rain, Rain and more bloody Rain.

Nice little hail storm on a tuesday in June followed by thunder and lightening. Nice!!

Then on Friday there was a glimmer of hope. The sun actually came out and looked like it might be happy to see us but then on Saturday promptly buggered off and left us again and hasn't made a glimmer of an appearance soon. So, does anyone actually know when summer is coming to our gloomy shores or should I sign up for some Club Tropicana repping or something to get me out of this dire country.

Scottish weather system you are officially a douchebag!!!

Catching up and the dreaded EYE!!

Seems weeks since I blogged. Quite literally.

There's been so much going on here not least my crazy two year old scratching my eyeball and leaving me visually impaired for a week.



Last Sunday was a nightmare. I was stressed and running late to get out the door when Caleb started a tantrum I couldn't control and he lashed out scraping his nail along my eyeball. At the time I thought the excruciating pain would subside quickly not realising he had actually damaged the eye. I tried to carry on with getting us organised for the day but the pain came in unbelievable waves and watered uncontrollably. It was one of the worst pains ever and I couldn't do a thing to make it stop. After an hour I decided I couldn't bear it any longer and phoned my husband who was at his parents to come home and take me to A&E at the local hospital. I got myself and the kids organised and sorted my parents to come and collect the kids and take them to their house while we went. Then off we went to the hospital.

Being a weekend there was over an hours wait while I had to sit in a waiting room with sunglasses on and a tissue to dab up the constant flood of watery eye. Now, for those of you who don't know me very well, I have an abundance of phobias, not least of which is my fear of people touching my face. I hate it !!!!! Its a shaking , crying inducing problem for me which causes no end of trouble with dentist appointments and doctors if they ever want to look at anything to do with my face. So there I am in the waiting room with my knees knocking and having several panic attacks at the thought of anyone touching me or my eyes especially my eyyyyyyyeeees.

Then out came a nurse and called my name and we were taken to an eye examination room.  I quickly relayed what had happened to her and told her in great depth how I hate anyone touching my face,eyes, ears etc and she was very understanding and said any problems with anything she did just say and we'd stop. YAY someone who doesn't shrug off how I'm feeling and understood. I was at ease with this lady. I likied her A LOT!

Firstly she put an anesthetic drop in my eye and they pain was gone instantly. So, this is good and yes I'm happy and laughing but this stage. Then she does a full eye exam becoming a bit worried that I have no vision out of my left eye now at all but also laughing at how bad my sight in my right eye is and how I NEVER wear my glasses. (its a standing joke in my house that I spend HUGE amounts on designer specs and never wear them) SO, then she applies a dye to my eye so we can see the scratch. ITS FOOKIN HUGE!! It was the full width of his nail and went from one side of the eyeball to the other and right across my pupil. Even my husband who up until now had been 'tsking' at how 'its only a scratch on your eye for heaven sake' , sort of recoiled and became instantly more sympathetic. The nurse said it was a 'substancial amount of damage'. HAH!! Not an overreaction then. *sticks tongue out*.

Anyway, the outcome was, I was given anti biotic drops, painkillers and sent home with instructions to keep the eye closed for 2 days, apply drops 5 times a day and get as much rest as possible with it. It should heal in 72 hours and sight should be fine.

After 3 days it was still very sore and watering a lot with a bit of blurriness so I went to my own GP and got stronger painkillers and more antibiotics as it was slightly infected.

The blurriness lasted nearly 5 days and still I have a small amount of random pain in it. The moral of the story?? Wear yer specs you silly woman when dealing with a flailing crazed 2 year old!!

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

The Gallery -I Am Grateful For...........

This week's Gallery subject as set by the lovely Tara over at http://stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/2011/06/gallery-im-grateful-for.html  is things you are grateful for. So I've had a loooooooong think about this one and here goes.

The things I am most grateful for are.........

My Tiddlers (old photo but a goodie)
These special folks as without them there would be no me. 
My constant companion for the last 18 years.
Sometimes him too., Only sometimes mind. 
Family and special little beings who make my life complete (or completely nuts not sure which).

Although these special people/beings do bring joy and happiness for which I am eternally grateful, they also drag around with them a certain amount of, shall we say, 'stress'. So due to this fact, here are some of the things I am grateful for as without them I couldn't manage that aforementioned 'stress'.

Thank you to whomever invented these mothers survival tools. I am grateful for you and forever in your debt.

Why not pop over to Sticky Fingers and have a look at all the other Gallery entries.  

The Gallery: Every Wednesday